Why Do I Need Other People to Validate My Feelings or Boundaries ?

Sometimes you know how you feel until someone disagrees with you.

You know a comment bothered you.

You know you do not want something to happen again.

You know you need a boundary.

Then the other person says:

“I don’t think I did anything wrong.”

Or:

“You’re overreacting.”

Or simply:

“I don’t agree.”

And suddenly your certainty starts to disappear.

You explain.

Then explain again.

You give examples.

You try different words.

You start wondering whether your boundary is actually reasonable.

Eventually, the conversation is no longer only about communicating what you feel or need.

It becomes about getting the other person to validate it.

What does seeking validation actually look like?

Validation seeking does not always look like asking:

“Do you think I’m right?”

It can be much subtler.

You might keep explaining a boundary after the other person already understands what you are saying.

You might provide increasingly detailed reasons for saying no.

You might replay a conversation because the other person never acknowledged that your feelings made sense.

You might feel confident about a decision until someone important disapproves of it.

You might even struggle to end an argument because leaving without being understood feels almost unbearable.

The visible behaviour changes.

The question underneath it may be:

Can I trust my own experience if you do not agree with it?

Reassurance and validation are not quite the same thing

In my previous post, Why Do I Need Reassurance From Other People?, I explored what can happen when disagreement or distance makes the relationship itself feel uncertain.

Reassurance often asks:

Are we still okay?

Validation asks something slightly different:

Am I okay to think, feel or need this?

Someone seeking reassurance may want confirmation that the connection has not been damaged.

Someone seeking validation may want confirmation that their position is legitimate.

And sometimes we need both.

You might want someone to agree that your boundary is reasonable and reassure you that they are not going to withdraw because of it.

That is why different behaviours can sometimes belong to a much broader pattern.

Something becomes difficult to hold internally, so we look to the other person’s response to stabilise it.

When explanation becomes permission-seeking

There is nothing wrong with explaining yourself.

Healthy relationships involve clarification.

Sometimes another person genuinely does not understand what you mean.

But there is an important question:

What happens once they understand and still disagree?

Imagine saying:

“I don’t want to discuss this with other people.”

They understand the boundary perfectly.

But they respond:

“I think you’re being too sensitive.”

Do you still feel able to hold it?

Or does the conversation continue because you now need to convince them that the boundary is justified?

You explain why privacy matters to you.

You describe previous experiences.

You clarify that you are not trying to control them.

You search for better wording.

You keep going until you receive something like:

“Okay, I understand why you feel that way.”

Sometimes that is useful communication.

But sometimes the explanation has quietly become a request for permission:

If you agree that my boundary is reasonable, then I can feel comfortable having it.

A boundary does not require agreement

This can be difficult because we often associate successful communication with mutual understanding.

Ideally, yes.

It is wonderful when someone says:

“I understand.”

But understanding and agreement are not prerequisites for every boundary.

Someone can understand exactly what you are asking and still dislike it.

They can feel disappointed.

They can think you are being unnecessarily cautious.

They can wish you had made a different decision.

And you can still decide:

This is what I am comfortable with.

The other person’s disagreement is information.

It is not automatically evidence that your boundary is wrong.

The same thing can happen with feelings

Perhaps someone makes a joke that hurts you.

You tell them.

They respond:

“I was obviously joking. You took it the wrong way.”

Something interesting can happen here.

Before their response, you knew you felt hurt.

After their response, you start debating whether you were allowed to feel hurt.

But these are two different questions.

Did they intend to hurt you?

and

Did the interaction hurt you?

can have different answers.

Their intention matters.

Your interpretation may be incomplete.

You might later understand the interaction differently.

But another person disagreeing with your emotional response does not make the response disappear.

You can begin with:

This is what happened inside me.

And then investigate what it means.

That is very different from assuming:

If they think I should not feel this way, perhaps I do not have the right to feel it.

Validation does not mean deciding you are always right

This distinction matters.

Learning to trust your own experience does not mean treating every reaction as objective truth.

You can misunderstand someone.

You can become defensive.

You can make assumptions.

You can discover that an old experience influenced how you interpreted a new one.

Self-validation is not:

I felt it, therefore my interpretation must be correct.

It is closer to:

I felt it, therefore it is worth paying attention to.

Then you can ask:

What happened?

What did I interpret?

What might I be missing?

What do I still need?

You remain open to new information without immediately erasing yourself.

Notice what happens when someone disagrees

This is often where the pattern becomes visible.

Someone challenges your boundary.

What happens inside you?

Do you immediately produce more reasons?

Do you start making the boundary smaller?

Do you become preoccupied with proving that you are reasonable?

Someone tells you that your reaction was excessive.

Do you suddenly lose access to why the situation bothered you?

Someone misunderstands you.

Do you feel unable to leave the conversation until they finally see what you meant?

These reactions can tell you more than simply asking:

Why do I care so much what people think?

A more useful question may be:

What becomes difficult for me to trust when someone else disagrees?

Before explaining again, pause

When you notice the urge to keep explaining, try asking:

Do they not understand me, or do they understand me and disagree?

Those require different responses.

If they genuinely do not understand, clarification may help.

But if they understand and disagree, ten more explanations may not create the outcome you are looking for.

Then ask:

What am I hoping the next explanation will give me?

Agreement?

Permission?

Recognition?

An apology?

Confirmation that you are not selfish or unreasonable?

There is nothing shameful about wanting those things.

But identifying the need helps you decide whether continuing the conversation will actually meet it.

Return to your own position

Before their reaction, what did you know?

Maybe:

I did not like what happened.

I do not want to do that.

I need more space.

I am not comfortable with this.

Then someone reacted.

Their response deserves consideration.

But it does not have to immediately replace your own.

You can ask:

Has new information genuinely changed my position?

Or:

Has their discomfort made it harder for me to hold my position?

Those can feel very similar in the moment.

They are not the same.

Let them have their own reaction

This is often the uncomfortable part.

Someone may think your boundary is unnecessary.

Someone may not understand why something hurt you.

Someone may feel disappointed by your decision.

Someone may think they would have handled the situation differently.

Can that be true without requiring you to immediately change your position?

You do not have to convince them that your experience is the only valid one.

They are allowed their perspective.

And you are allowed to remain curious about yours.

Two people seeing the same interaction differently does not automatically mean one person has to surrender their experience.

The goal is not to stop wanting validation

Being understood matters.

Having someone say:

“I can see why that affected you.”

can be incredibly meaningful.

The goal is not to become indifferent to whether people understand you.

It is to reach a place where understanding is something you deeply appreciate rather than something you always need before you can trust yourself.

You can listen to feedback.

You can reconsider.

You can change your mind.

And you can also say:

I understand that you see this differently, but this is still what I need.

That is not rigidity.

It is the ability to remain connected to your own experience while allowing another person to have theirs.

Different situation, same broader pattern

In Why Do I Apologise When I’m Not Wrong?, we looked at how apologising can sometimes restore connection when tension feels difficult to tolerate.

In Why Do I Need Reassurance From Other People?, we looked at the need to know that the relationship is still okay.

Here, the behaviour looks different again.

You may explain, justify or question yourself because you need the other person to confirm that your feelings or boundaries make sense.

Different situation.

Different immediate need.

But the broader question is similar:

What happens to my relationship with myself when the other person’s response changes?

That is often where repeating patterns become easier to recognise.

A question to take with you

The next time you find yourself explaining the same feeling or boundary for the third time, pause and ask:

Am I helping them understand me, or am I trying to get their permission to trust myself?

You do not have to answer immediately.

Sometimes simply noticing the difference is the beginning.

Continue exploring the pattern

If disagreement tends to make you worry about the relationship itself, read Why Do I Need Reassurance From Other People?

And if you notice yourself apologising mainly to restore warmth after conflict, read Why Do I Apologise When I’m Not Wrong?

For more writing on repeating emotional and relationship patterns, you can also join the Liberated Heart newsletter for new reflections and practical tools as they are published.